Deafening Silence

"It's 4am, and I just saw something after which I can never be the same."

I haven’t eaten in 2 days, I haven’t heard a human word in 3. If I found a cigarette, I’d smoke it.

The weight of this particular life decision is now apparent; the weight of all of my decisions is now something I feel. That feeling is liberating; remaining numb is not. Satisfying one desire after another is not satisfying; rushing from one thing to the next is not progress. Why am I here? What unknown desire brought me to this little place?

I found the library tonight. I handle-checked a door which I thought was a small closet at the end of my hallway. It opened up into a large room with floor-to-ceiling books and two reading chairs. After browsing the philosophy and history sections (there were no business books in this library, which made me happy), I went to the literature wall and settled on “The Old Man and the Sea.” It was calling my name in some strange way. Or maybe I just liked the way it smelled. I really don’t know.

I took it back to my room and read it. All of it. I had t…